Tired one Minute, Ready to Play the Next! What's with that?

 Is your baby tired one minute, ready to play the next! 

What's up with that?    

                                      

Congratulations, You have just missed the sleep window.  This blue eyed baby had these two pictures taken just a minute a part.  She is 6 months old and she is very alert.  It is hard to catch her sleep window because her overtired state (Cortisol Rush) comes right on the heels of Yawning and Eye rubbing, or in other words, the obvious tired signs. It's just not fair!  One minute you see that she's tired, then she is ready to play again. 

Here's what you can do.  

First, try to catch the early tired signs.  

Do you know what those are?

I ran a pole in my "Sleep Sisters-Get Quiet Nights"  Facebook group of Early Tired Signs that the mom's had observed in their babies. 

They Mentioned:

Zoning out

Staring off into space

Disinterest

Disengaging

Glassy eyes

Blinking more slowly

Clumsy (Toddlers)

Scrunching up their face

Clenching their fists

Grunting or Grizzing

Laying their head on the floor

Crawling over for a hug

Putting their head on mom's shoulder

Pulling Ears or Hair

Red Around the eyes or eyebrows (this can be an early or a late sign)

Hands get warm (this was the first time I had heard of this unique sleep cue) 

Early Tired signs can be VERY hard to catch. They are more subtle and may only last for a moment. If you see an early tired sign, put your baby to bed even if it only lasts a minute and your baby seems happy to keep playing and stay up.  Your baby has entered the sleep window and you just saw the opening act.  The closing act (yawing and eye rubbing) you want to happen after her head is on the mattress if you have an Alert baby like this one.  

If you can not see the early tired signs, no matter how hard you try, that does NOT mean that you aren't a good mom.  That happens all the time.  Especially if you have an alert, smart, spirited baby.  That would be like feeling guilty for not knowing what every cry means.  Tired, Hungry, Overstimulated, Poopy, Bored, etc.  (Oh wait, you do feel guilty about that?)  No need to feel guilty about that.  Throw that guilt out the window.  Many babies don't have the range of crying for all the different things, and mom's may not have the sensitive hearing it takes to distinguish the cries or the life experience to tell the difference.  Not your fault.  Your effort is enough.  Here is a cheat sheet for Fussy Signs you can't Identify.  Print it out and stick it to your refrigerator. 

A Sleep Deprived Parent's Cheat Sheet for Guessing 

Why She's Crying

So here is a trick to help you figure out the sleep window when early sleep cues are not obvious. 

Make a timeline of your sleep. 

• Wake up time. 
• Early tired signs (See the above list)
• Late tired signs. (Yawning, eye rubbing) 
• Cortisol rush (Burst of Energy)

Now figure out how long your wakeful window is. And How long your sleep window is. If you can't figure out how long your wakeful window is, look at the time difference between wake up and cortisol rush. Now subtract 15 minutes from that time. That's how long your wakeful window is. That's when you should have been seeing early tired signs. It can be hard to see those early tired signs. Especially with alert children.

For babies 6-9 months the wakeful windows are often 2 hours long so naps are 2 hours apart. We call this a 2-2-2-2 schedule. The 2 represents a wakeful window. 

For babies 9-18 months the wakeful windows are more like 2-3-4. Wake up, then two hours of wakefulness. Have a nap then three hours of wakefulness. Then have an afternoon nap and then 4 hours of awake time, then it's bedtime. 

I call this a 2-3-4 schedule. 

For toddlers 17 months to 2 years old, the first nap gets dropped and it's more of a 6-4 schedule. Wake up, awake for 6 hours, then nap. Then up to 4 hours and then it's bedtime. 

For toddlers over 2 years old, the wakeful windows are much less predictable so watch for the early tired signs. 

Remember, It's your effort and responsiveness that makes you a good parent.  Not the number of perfect days you have. 

Tracy Spackman is Certified Gentle Sleep Coach

www.GetQuietNights.com

602-524-7610

Can you spoil your baby?

It used to be believed that you were teaching a baby to cry more if you picked them up when they cried, thinking that that baby will learn to cry to get attention. The opposite has been proven to be true. When you pick up a crying child, you are helping them to regulate (co-regulation) and they will, as a result, be more resilient, especially when this attention is given in the first year.

When a toddler, ages 1.5, 2, 3 (or sometimes older too), has a meltdown and is crying, it is often related to autonomy and security. Their idea of independence and having a lack of physical ability to accomplish what they are imagining themselves doing. They need your positive attention, picking them up, responding with love and patience, please don't feel threatened. It's not about you.

Dr. Jean-Victor Wittenberg,(child psychiatrist and Head of the Infant Psychiatry Program at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto and Co-Chair of Infant Mental Health Promotion (IMHP) which provides teaching for front-line professionals and develops advocacy initiatives on behalf of infant mental health), recently stated that you don't need to squelch that behavior. When they are having a meltdown, It's about them and their development and personal frustration and insecurities. By helping them regulate, offering help and concern, hugs and attention, it helps them know that this world is a good place and you are not going anywhere. You child may be realizing there are relationships outside of yours and theirs and they are insecure about it. You need to fortify that bond for them. 

It's understandable that you want to teach good behavior but it's the underlying regulation issues going on under the tantrum that need addressing which will bring about better long term behavior with resilience and independence.

Learning Self Regulation is a long, ongoing process and in the learning period, there is a lot of co-regulation that goes on between caregiver and child to help the child learn to control his/her emotions and modify them, or in other words, to deal with the big emotions that come with the ups and downs of life.

This is why I like gentle methods when it comes to sleep.  The temperaments of babies vary and we as caregivers need to modify our responsive to give them the best chance of good mental health and life success.

Tracy Spackman is a Certified Gentle Sleep Coach
www.GetQuietNights.com
https://www.facebook.com/QuietNights
602-524-7610

Do you have feelings of guilt that increase on Mother's Day?

Do you have feelings of guilt that increase on Mother's Day?

It has been observed that women look at other women and take all the strengths and skills and good habits of the amazing women around them and group all those great qualities into one super women and then compare their own biggest weaknesses or differences to that super women ideal. Then comes the mother guilt.  "I'm not good enough, I'm not doing enough."  Do you do that?  I do.  I have even heard the amazing women I admire say that they do, too.  We are not being fair to ourselves or even remotely realistic. 

In openly talking about this topic on Mother's day in my Relief Society Women's group, it was amazing to hear the comparison's guilt.  One women talked about staying up late with her children.  Playing games at 1 am with her teenagers.  Always being available for late night phone calls with her college aged children.  Then comparing herself negatively with her friend who gets up super early with her children to do scripture reading, big breakfasts, early morning personal talks. And the early rising mother admitted to feeling like she was lacking because she was too tired at night to do bedtime personal talks and back rubs like her late night friend.  These 2 women are both amazing and totally different.  What is unrealistic is thinking you can be the late night mom AND the early morning mom.  So if you are doing this to yourself, comparing your weaknesses or alternate parenting style with someone else's strength or opposite parenting style, try to stop.

Our children are born with temperaments and personality's.  The range of those personality's are very broad and are un-comparable.  Do you have alert, temperamental, spirited children?  Are they a handful and sleep is a challenge?  Guess what?!  Those children can and most likely will grow up to be totally amazing, productive adults.  The real "go-getters" of the world.  One women was talking about her child as a spirited, smart, handful who hated class and just couldn't sit still and was always getting in trouble.  She knew everyone dreaded being his teacher.  The best thing one teacher did for them was to figure out that this boy needed to have his mind engaged in order to sit still and took the time to teach him in such a way that he thrived.  She also told his mom how much she loved having him in her class.  She said this in front of this boy several times.  What a difference this teacher made for the mom and the child.  It was life changing.  The little boy figured out that if he listened, he could answer all the questions in class and he knew all the answers.  He was super smart. He felt appreciated and loved by the teacher.   The mom finally had a teacher for him that cared enough to appreciate his strengths. It was such a relief. This spirited  little boy grew up to be an amazing man.  I hear this type of story all the time-great men came from spirited little boys.  A spirited child is not a bad thing.

There are many ways to mother a child and many opportunities to mother more than just your own children. Piano teachers, tutors, baby sitters, day care workers, doctors, neighbors, friends, teachers, etc can all be a mothering influence in our children's lives.  A women I admire, Sheri Dew, said "Are we not all Mothers?" As adults, we are still being mothered.  By our mothers, our grandmothers, our friends, our neighbors, our teachers and more.  The support group of women to women can be powerful.  I love to mother and be mothered.  I get the chance to mother other mother's as I teach them sleep coaching skills and I'm not even old enough to be their mother, not yet.  My children's piano teacher, their school and Sunday school teachers, the women my teenager's babysit for and more are helping to mother my children.  I'm so grateful to all the wonderful mothers out there and I hope you can see all your own strengths.  You are already amazing and are just going to keep getting better and better.

If you are too sleep deprived to even think about this, I can help.  Sleeping through the night is not an impossible feat.  Let me mother you and help you with this challenge. Call me for a free 15 chat about how you need some mothering.  Here is a link to watch a video about me talking about sleep coaching.

www.GetQuietNights.com

Tracy Spackman 602-524-7610

https://www.facebook.com/QuietNights