Babies who only sleep when held are amazing!

QUESTION:  My daughter is 8 weeks and I have a really hard time putting her down for naps, the only way she'll get a nap is if I'm holding her or wearing her. I LOVE holding and wearing her, but lately it's been harder to put her down for bed, both initially and after middle of the night feedings also. I've heard so many conflicting things about this, some say to "start as you mean to go on," but I also know that this is such an important developmental stage for her, trust vs mistrust, and being close to me is how she feels loved and secure. Am I creating a problem for myself later on, if I continue to only let her nap on me?

ANSWER: 

Babies this young who will only sleep on you are letting you in on a big secret. They are very stimulated by their surroundings and have a hard time dealing with it. You are their buffer. It's called co-regulation. Your closeness is helping them regulate the stress of the overstimulation. It's a temperament trait the child is born with. It's not bad. Just different. So knowing this secret, does cry it out even seem like a good idea? The cool thing about it, is that babies who have higher needs like this actually have a greater potential than average needs babies. The increased perceptiveness combined with the practice problem solving you get from the co-regulation equals a very astute young man/woman. It's awesome. The sad side is that babies like this who don't get the extra attention needed have very very low potential.  The brain development at this age is establishing the framework for ALL FUTURE LEARNING. So you want to meet the attachment needs and worry about habits and problems later. It's not a problem, it's a need. I'm glad you like the closeness. Keep doing everything she asks for and after 4 months or after 6 months, we can work slowly on more independent behavior. The closeness now will actually increase the potential for independence later.

Tracy Spackman

Trained & Certified Gentle Sleep Coach

www.GetQuietNights.com 

Naps at daycare, never at home! why?

Question:  I am in the most desperate need of nap time advice. My almost 9 month old is a terrible napper (at home). He naps Monday-Friday at daycare perfectly. Two 1.5 hour naps at the exact same time everyday. And then on Saturday and Sunday he refuses to stay asleep longer than 20-30 minutes. I try to follow the exact same schedule as daycare but he it just doesn't work ( and that's if we don't have to cry it out for 20 minutes to even get that amount of sleep). It makes him cranky all weekend, in turn making our weekends so sad. Then his night time sleep is awful as well. I try to do the same things every time he goes to nap, establishing a nap time routine but I don't even know how to implement a nap time routine when it would only apply 2 days a week. This has been going on since about 4 months when we transitioned to crib from rock n play. He used to nap for hours in his rock n play. And he sleeps great (for the most part) in his crib at night. What's going on?

Answer:  It's amazing that babies can compartmentalize their different caregivers. Sleeping great at daycare and terribly at home. Part of it is likely that he misses you and doesn't want to waste time napping when he could be with you. Part of it is likely that the lack of nighttime sleep success is effecting your nap success. Keep offering the naps and work on night skills. If you have solid night skills, you could do weekend nap coaching. 4 months is typically when major sleep changes occur and sleep skills need to be learned. Solid night sleep is the building block for solid nap skills so I would look very carefully at the nights first. 

Let me know if you need my help to dig into this issue. 

Tracy Spackman

www.GetQuietNights.com 

4-6 months and night wakings increasing?

What is going on with the waking?  Is the 4 month sleep regression a trick to humble us mothers?Here's some science. (Knowledge gives patience, a sleep plan gives power.)

At 4 months, the brain goes through a major milestone where the vision changes, the baby can see farther away and therefore notices so much more. Their world has just opened up! Also, sleep is now a learned skill. Before this brain change, sleep ability was more innate. He could do long stretches at night or he woke frequently. Now the relaxation process that brings on sleep needs to be learned and for alert babies, it's tough. Alert babies notice more, are more observant, may be more social or more intently watching and often know what they want and hold out until they get it. It's not bad, he's just smart.  Lots going on in that little brain. So it's normal for night wakings to increase. Sleep cycle transitions cause partial and full arousals that need help (nursing or replugging a paci or holding or rocking) or sleep skills to get through. 

At 6 months there is a major growth spurt that often needs more night feelings. He is genuinely hungry. 

So all this is normal and with all your responding, you are a great mother! You can wait to see if it fixes on its own (probably not if he's alert but maybe) or you can take gentle steps to help your child learn sleep skills now or soon. The self soothing learning process is a 5 year process and night time separation is just part of it. At 6 months, taking it slow and gentle is better for infant mental health than "Cry it out". Many moms don't feel comfortable with Crying it out I don't like "Cry it out" either.  It all starts with bedtime and many daytime variables. Environment, nap timing, bedtime timing, bedtime routines and bedtime sleep crutches. So there may be lots of little things you can do that will make a difference or some big changes at bedtime and how you respond to night waking could help. You don't have to take out all your night feedings to have better sleep but responding to waking with feeding is a piece that can be adjusted with Dream Feeds along with a gentle response method could make it more manageable for you. There is a lot that goes into this. 

I just gave a class to 5 families yesterday and it took 2 hours to go over all the sleep pieces to cover everyone's situations. (Babies ranging from 5-18 months)  The solution to frequent night waking may not be a short Facebook answer or a few paragrsphs in a blog post. 

Waiting it out and responding consistently to see if it settles back into good sleep is totally fine if you are coping well with the wake ups. He is still young and nothing is urgent unless you are getting sleep deprived. Or you can develope a gentle plan to make changes and help him learn sleep skills. Write down your plan so you can be consistant. You can't teach sleep skills. You CAN put him in a situation where his body will go through the natural learning process of learning some self regulation while you offer support and co-regulation to help. Stay at his bed side. Pick ups. The right bedtime, enough day sleep. Secure attachment. They are all pieces to this sleep puzzle. 

Call me if you need help making a plan. 

Tracy Spackman is a certified gentle sleep coach. 602-524-7610

www.GetQuietNights.com

Tracy Spackman talks about being a Gentle Baby Sleep Coach

This Video is about 10 minutes.

What's your sleep plan?

Someone today said to me..."Everyone is talking about your plan. What is this plan!!!!!!"

The plan is a list of action items to get your baby ready for sleep coaching and then a step by step gentle method to undo sleep crutches and meet your goals. I try to break the method up into 6 steps but everyone's list and plan is different depending on their situation. The plan is personalized. It's not the typical stuff you find in books and on baby sites. It's more gentle and focuses on Infant mental health while making small changes. Often it involves sleeping in your baby's room or room sharing to start and doing a lot of support but then doing less and less in well defined steps.  Do you want me to make a plan for you? I have you fill out a sleep history, watch some videos, we talk for at least an hour to go over your plan details, then we talk as you implement the plan to ensure your success. Consultation package details are on my website. A plan is not a few sentences I can put on Facebook. It's a parenting change to meet your sleep goals. 

www.GetQuietNights.com 

Why is my baby Crying? -Cheat Sheet

Some mom's feel guilty for not knowing why thier baby is crying. If you can not figure out why she's crying just by the tone of her cry, no matter how hard you try, that does NOT mean that you aren't a good mom.  That happens all the time.   No need to feel guilty about that.  Throw that guilt out the window.  Many babies don't have the range of crying for all the different things it could be, and mom's may not have the sensitive hearing it takes to distinguish the cries or the life experience to tell the difference.  It's not your fault.  Your effort is enough.  

I remember, as a new mom, going though a list in my head of what could be bothering my baby.  I'd smell her diaper, I'd pick her up and offer a nursing, I'd give her a different toy.  I'd forget all about how long it had been since she'd slept.  Finally, I made a list for myself to check when she cried.  I was so tired, my brain just didn't work as fast as it used to.  So now I've made a list for you.

I had a 6-9 month old baby on my mind when I added the notes.

Here is a cheat sheet for Fussy Signs you can't Identify.  Print it out and stick it to your refrigerator. 

A Sleep Deprived Parent's Cheat Sheet for Guessing 

Why She's Crying

Tracy Spackman

Certified Gentle Sleep Coach

www.GetQuietNights.com

https://www.facebook.com/QuietNights

"Sleep Sisters-Get Quiet Nights" FaceBook support group

602-524-7610

Tired one Minute, Ready to Play the Next! What's with that?

 Is your baby tired one minute, ready to play the next! 

What's up with that?    

                                      

Congratulations, You have just missed the sleep window.  This blue eyed baby had these two pictures taken just a minute a part.  She is 6 months old and she is very alert.  It is hard to catch her sleep window because her overtired state (Cortisol Rush) comes right on the heels of Yawning and Eye rubbing, or in other words, the obvious tired signs. It's just not fair!  One minute you see that she's tired, then she is ready to play again. 

Here's what you can do.  

First, try to catch the early tired signs.  

Do you know what those are?

I ran a pole in my "Sleep Sisters-Get Quiet Nights"  Facebook group of Early Tired Signs that the mom's had observed in their babies. 

They Mentioned:

Zoning out

Staring off into space

Disinterest

Disengaging

Glassy eyes

Blinking more slowly

Clumsy (Toddlers)

Scrunching up their face

Clenching their fists

Grunting or Grizzing

Laying their head on the floor

Crawling over for a hug

Putting their head on mom's shoulder

Pulling Ears or Hair

Red Around the eyes or eyebrows (this can be an early or a late sign)

Hands get warm (this was the first time I had heard of this unique sleep cue) 

Early Tired signs can be VERY hard to catch. They are more subtle and may only last for a moment. If you see an early tired sign, put your baby to bed even if it only lasts a minute and your baby seems happy to keep playing and stay up.  Your baby has entered the sleep window and you just saw the opening act.  The closing act (yawing and eye rubbing) you want to happen after her head is on the mattress if you have an Alert baby like this one.  

If you can not see the early tired signs, no matter how hard you try, that does NOT mean that you aren't a good mom.  That happens all the time.  Especially if you have an alert, smart, spirited baby.  That would be like feeling guilty for not knowing what every cry means.  Tired, Hungry, Overstimulated, Poopy, Bored, etc.  (Oh wait, you do feel guilty about that?)  No need to feel guilty about that.  Throw that guilt out the window.  Many babies don't have the range of crying for all the different things, and mom's may not have the sensitive hearing it takes to distinguish the cries or the life experience to tell the difference.  Not your fault.  Your effort is enough.  Here is a cheat sheet for Fussy Signs you can't Identify.  Print it out and stick it to your refrigerator. 

A Sleep Deprived Parent's Cheat Sheet for Guessing 

Why She's Crying

So here is a trick to help you figure out the sleep window when early sleep cues are not obvious. 

Make a timeline of your sleep. 

• Wake up time. 
• Early tired signs (See the above list)
• Late tired signs. (Yawning, eye rubbing) 
• Cortisol rush (Burst of Energy)

Now figure out how long your wakeful window is. And How long your sleep window is. If you can't figure out how long your wakeful window is, look at the time difference between wake up and cortisol rush. Now subtract 15 minutes from that time. That's how long your wakeful window is. That's when you should have been seeing early tired signs. It can be hard to see those early tired signs. Especially with alert children.

For babies 6-9 months the wakeful windows are often 2 hours long so naps are 2 hours apart. We call this a 2-2-2-2 schedule. The 2 represents a wakeful window. 

For babies 9-18 months the wakeful windows are more like 2-3-4. Wake up, then two hours of wakefulness. Have a nap then three hours of wakefulness. Then have an afternoon nap and then 4 hours of awake time, then it's bedtime. 

I call this a 2-3-4 schedule. 

For toddlers 17 months to 2 years old, the first nap gets dropped and it's more of a 6-4 schedule. Wake up, awake for 6 hours, then nap. Then up to 4 hours and then it's bedtime. 

For toddlers over 2 years old, the wakeful windows are much less predictable so watch for the early tired signs. 

Remember, It's your effort and responsiveness that makes you a good parent.  Not the number of perfect days you have. 

Tracy Spackman is Certified Gentle Sleep Coach

www.GetQuietNights.com

602-524-7610